How Can We Help Others to Engage?

Many times when I speak at conferences, individuals will find me after a session and request coaching with a difficult situation. These encounters always provide wonderful opportunities for learning and expanding my knowledge of the human condition. A couple of years ago, a young woman came to me and asked for some assistance in mending her relationship with her sister. She told me how her sister refused to engage with her or talk in any way. I asked if I could ask her some personal questions to help both of us understand the situation. She agreed. I told her to place...

Do Words Really Matter? Six Questions to Improve the Power of Your Message

Recently my son decided that he wanted to change a class in his junior high schedule. My wife and son went to pay a visit to the school counselor. During the meeting, the counselor asked him why he wanted to change to a different science teacher. He said, “Well, most of the time I have a difficult time focusing, which makes the teacher really hard to understand.” To this the counselor replied, “What you really mean is that your teacher is boring and you can’t stay awake. Is that right?” He responded, “Well I didn’t say exactly that.” Unfortunately for...

Do You Let Your Feelings Get the Best of You? Eight Tips for Managing Your Emotions

For some time now I have been coaching a manager who has had several challenges with her director. One Friday night recently, my wife and I had gone out of town for the weekend for a little rest and to do some planning for the upcoming year. At about 12:30 a.m. the phone rang. This client was calling to tell me that she had texted her boss and quit her job. I was shocked and somewhat disappointed by her decision. I tried to help her see the upside of all she had been able to accomplish, but her mind was...

Could Your Leadership Communication Use a “Make-Over”?

The challenge for leaders is that they are frequently unaware of how their behavior negatively impacts their people's performance. Because of the continuing emphasis on results, many leaders really don’t focus on how they achieve results as long as they obtain the desired results. During our leadership training, we often ask participants to identify past leadership behaviors they have experienced that have frustrated their efforts and negatively impacted their results. What starts out as an amusing exercise usually turns to quiet introspection as individuals consider how they treat their supporting cast.  We realize that sometimes work simply becomes so hectic that leaders...

Tips for Handling Challenging Conversations during the Holidays

The holiday season usually offers many opportunities to practice your best conversation skills. Family members who usually don’t see each other, come together, which may present challenges because of the way that they act during these family gatherings. Some individuals seem to go blatantly out of their way to make others uncomfortable. Still others lack any sense of social decorum or awareness of how their behavior negatively impacts others. Unfortunately, we usually choose not to say anything to the offending party because they are family. Instead of saying something and causing potential conflicts, people often sit quietly and say nothing....

A Gift Given is a Gift to Give

How do you create more joy this holiday season? Obviously the holidays are a time of celebrating, feasting, relaxing with family and friends, and reflecting on the bounties of the season. I have found what adds to our joy is to recognize and receive the gifts that are given and in return to give them to others. You may be aware of a situation that occurred in late October here in Utah which received national attention on the Today show. Ethan Van Leuven was diagnosed with  leukemia when he was 22 months old. From that time on he underwent the use...

Ask--Don't Ask to Tell

Soon after I turned 16, I took a young lady on a date around the lake late at night to watch the moon come up. When it was time to go home, I started the car, drove maybe a quarter mile, and the car stopped. In shock I noticed that the gas gauge registered “E.” So my date and I started walking. When we arrived at my home, her parents and my parents were waiting up for us. As soon as she left with her parents, my dad started in. Here are some of the questions that he asked:  “What do you think...

Can You Connect with Different Communication Styles of an Audience?

Of course no one sets out to intentionally offend or cause friction when they speak or communicate with large groups of people; and yet, everyone has a unique style of communication--which can differ dramatically from group to group. Because of our inherent style differences, there is a chance that we might unintentionally offend someone or create unnecessary conflict. When speaking to large groups of people, it is important to recognize the interaction or communication style of others and then mirror or “match” that style when communicating with them. Your interaction will be more effective, you will increase engagement and create rapport, and you will be more likely to achieve desired results. The challenge for any professional is...

How Can You Put More “Thanks” in Your Thanksgiving?

Years ago, I had the opportunity to attend an experiential training that was designed for individuals to get outside of themselves and to experience the power of a focused intention. Ten of us were given the assignment to create a Thanksgiving meal for a needy person or family out of nothing. “Out of nothing” meant that we could not spend our own money to provide the feast. We divided ourselves into groups and descended upon the public to accomplish this task. We had two hours to complete the assignment. Some members of our group went to supermarkets in the area and...

How Can Leaders Cut the BS at Work and Address Real Issues?

You talk about issues and challenges until you are blue in the face, but you still don't get results. People promise they will do this or that, but they don't. So you have a decision to make: "Do I bring up the tough issue, their lack of commitment, their poor performance--or not?"

Four Leadership Tips That Will Make People Adore You

In our leadership development training, we like to start out by asking people to list as many characteristics about their former leaders that they both abhorred and adored.  This tends to start out as a fun exercise, but takes a more serious turn as people then start to look at themselves and their own leadership skills and behaviors. Ten Leadership Traits That People Adore 1.      Has a clear vision of how people’s work meets the leader’s expectations 2.      Provides timely, clear, constructive feedback 3.      Expresses appreciation and gives credit where credit is due 4.      Actively listens and answers questions 5.      Treats others with respect and kindness 6.     ...

Why Don’t Others Listen to You?

Nine Tips for Improving Others Willingness to Listen to You I had been on the road all week and I was eager to hang out with my family on Saturday morning. I came downstairs to find them watching cartoons. In a somewhat animated and enthusiastic voice I exclaimed, “Hey, let’s go outside and hit the ball around! What do you say?” My young son looked up at me and said, “Please Dad, don’t yell at us.” Realizing in that moment that my children had been socialized by their mother who is much more reserved than myself, I quietly whispered almost inaudibly, “Would...

Eight Suggestions for Improving Your Listening Skills

Late one evening after all the children had gone to bed, I was sitting in the kitchen eating a wonderful piece of chocolate cake and thumbing through the latest L.L. Bean catalogue. My wife approached and asked if I had a moment to listen to her. “Sure, go ahead!” I responded. I continued to eat, look at the catalogue, and listen to her concerns. Suddenly she launched, “You’re not even listening to me!” “Sure I am!” I responded. “Prove it!” she retorted. I repeated back to her everything she had said for at least five minutes. Not a good idea! In frustration and exasperation,...

How Do You Strengthen Your Presence?

I was recently asked to write a piece for a magazine on developing presence. Because of the short deadline, I was disappointed that I had to decline the opportunity. However I believe this to be an important topic for not only leaders but also anyone who works with people to carefully consider because it impacts the influence and positive effect you can have on others. With more time to reflect on the topic, I couldn’t help myself. I would define “presence” to be the vibe, energy, frequency, or power that emanates from us. When I think of presence, I think of...

10 Tips on Improving the Vitality and Quality of Your Relationships

A number of years ago at the conclusion of a two-day REAL Conversation class, two elderly gentlemen waited for me after class. After everyone left, they approached me and thanked me for the session. I asked them what had been most memorable and helpful for them. One of them perked up and said, “Before this class, neither one of us had spoken to one another for the last 21 years!” When I asked how that had happened, the other man said, “Funny thing is, we can’t remember now what we did that made each other so angry!” Can you imagine working...