Dealing with people’s negative emotional reactions can be a challenge.
My first job in corporate America was in a human resources department. We received a call from a hotel in a major city, asking us never to book a certain executive from our company in their hotel again.
When we asked for the reason behind their request, they indicated that the person in question had requested a king-sized bed. However, upon his arrival, there were only rooms with two queen-sized beds available. When he arrived at his assigned room, he was so upset that he kicked the top mattress off the box springs mattress onto the floor.
We were aghast, shocked, and apprehensive given that we frequently worked with this person.
Although emotional intelligence (EQ) at the time was relatively unheard of, it was apparent that this executive had a severe anger management issue. It is not uncommon for any of us to lose our cool in certain situations. However, now more than ever, anyone in a position to manage people must learn and apply the principles of emotional intelligence if they are going to be successful. Embarking on the journey to greater emotional intelligence begins with self-reflection.
Here are 12 signs that you need to improve your emotional intelligence:
1. Loss of composure. When things happen that you don’t expect, you begin ranting, yelling, or raising your voice at people. You may even do so toward those who may not have contributed to the current situation. Such behavior results in people clamming up and not sharing their views, particularly if they have bad news to share.
2. Jumping to conclusions. When someone has not learned to be more deliberate in their thinking, it is easy for them to jump to negative conclusions or make negative assumptions about the behavior or actions of others. The assignment of blame in such situations inhibits the exploration of other ideas or perspectives.
3. Short-fused emotion. Sometimes when people’s expectations are violated, a negative emotion reaction seems to come out of nowhere. This is not uncommon. Because many of us are unaware of those events that trigger our negative emotional reactions, we often feel blindsided by our own feelings. To resolve such outbursts, it is necessary to understand what triggers such reactions.
4. Oblivious disrespect.Because we don’t see ourselves the way we are seen, we may lack awareness of how we come across to others. When things don’t go our way, we may become disrespectful by calling people names or using labels. Our tone may become sarcastic or cynical as an expression of our frustration or disdain for the current situation. Your gestures may become exaggerated and intimidating. All of this plus the energy that you exude in the moment may serve to keep others from speaking up and engaging.
5. Frenetically stressed. When there is a backload of commitments and nothing seems to be going right, it is easy to become overwhelmed and stressed in that moment. You end up moving from trying to address one issue and then another. However, you just can’t seem to stay focused and grounded on one issue and see it to completion. Your emotions seem to get the best of you and keep you from grounding yourself and moving forward.
6. Assigned blame. When things don’t go as planned, it is easy to blame others or even attack them for their ineptitude. Unfortunately, doing so does not fix the problem. By not exploring the thinking and actions taken by others, you will miss a complete understanding of the situation. This will impact the tactic you employ next to address the challenge. Additionally, blaming and attacking others only serves to distance yourself from that person. Such behavior destroys trust and fractures your relationship with that person.
7. Defensive resistance. In attempt to understand, people may ask you questions. If you find yourself becoming defensive and resisting their attempts by not responding, you are most likely interpreting their attempts at understanding as an attack on your expertise or person. However, it is your own resistance that you need to identify and suspend if you ever hope to completely achieve a mutual understanding of the situation.
8. “Push” perspective. When you offer an idea or perspective and others don’t agree, rather than setting your opinion or perspective aside, you continue to push your position in opposition to others. You should consider others’ disagreement as a gift because they are telling you they have a different perspective. Exploring their perspective first will help you to know how to present your position in a manner that will allow them to consider more carefully what you are offering. Their disagreement may also help you understand how you might need to change your perspective to address a valid concern that they may have. By continuing to push your perspective, you create pushback.
9. Unidentified feelings. Those who lack emotional intelligence often lack the ability to recognize their feelings. It is critical that you be able to identify your feelings to increase your personal awareness if you hope to regulate your feelings and achieve more desirable outcomes. Understanding your feelings also will help you to become a more effective communicator, increase your conflict resolution skills, manage stress, and improve your decision-making. Naming your emotions is crucial for understanding and managing them.
10. Hidden triggers. Our emotions say more about us than they do about others or a given situation. Why? Because we create our feelings by the way we think about or interpret a given event. What may trigger my emotional reaction, may not trigger your negative emotions. Your triggers are your values or whatever is most important to you. If you perceive that what another person does or says violates a personal value, then you may respond emotionally. Identifying what triggers your emotional reactions is key to managing yourself more effectively.
11. Personal accusation. I mentioned this issue earlier, but it bears mentioning again. It is not uncommon that we interpret what others say and do as an accusation of ourselves. The problem is often that we really don’t fully understand if that is what was intended, but it is how we interpret it. When our interpretations of others’ actions are negative then we respond with negative thoughts, words, and actions ourselves. These behaviors usually serve as a defense mechanism to protect or justify ourselves. The only way to avoid this trap is to recognize what you are doing and to challenge the thinking that created it.
12. Lack of empathy. The lack of empathy stems from not understanding the feelings of others. This trait may be absent due to limited parental influence, life experience, or educational exposure. The inability to understand one’s own feelings contributes to the inability to understand another's. However, empathy can be cultivated and developed through various means, including education, awareness, and conscious efforts to understand and connect with others.
Emotional intelligence is a wonderful skill that can be learned. Your negative emotions reveal more about you than the situation or others. That means that you must begin by working on you first, others second. Increasing your self- awareness and learning applicable skills can greatly improve your leadership and your ability to manage and connect with people.
