Last night I had an opportunity to shoot video segments for a book trailer in preparation for the launch of my new book, Overcoming Fake Talk. After the shoot was over and everyone had left, I had the chance to sit and visit with the producer and creator of our video segment, a very talented man I became friends with years ago when we were both river guides on the Colorado River. I had not seen my friend for 35 years until the evening of the videotaping, so obviously we had some catching up to do. Our talk eventually turned to the content in my book, some of which had been touched on in the video segments we had just taped.
My friend confessed that just the night before he had pulled the “parental pitch-a-fit-until-you-get-what-you-want thing.” He was recently divorced, and his teenage daughter who lives with him has started clamming up and acting obstinate. In an attempt to “make” her talk, he threw a fit and intended to continue doing so until he wore her down. After three and a half hours of her dad’s undivided attention, the daughter finally flew off the handle and admitted in exasperation that she misses her mother. Then she shut down and promptly withdrew.
He told me that he realized during the filming of the book trailer that he had engaged in fake talk. Just look at his results: granted, he succeeded in learning something about what was going on with his daughter, but not really. As my friend realized, his tactics had actually created more disrespect and probably caused actual damage to the fragile relationship that had existed. Although his intentions had been good, he had been unable to connect with his daughter in a way that allowed him to strengthen their relationship. Here is someone he cares deeply about, and yet he was unable to learn about her thoughts and feelings in a way that would let him help her deal with the tremendous void she was experiencing at losing contact with her mother.
If he could have recognized what he was doing and acknowledged at the time that his approach was really not working, then he could have stopped the cajoling, manipulative behavior—behavior based on the premise of force—and chosen a different behavior that would have built a rapport that would allow a flow of understanding that would have benefitted both of them. The daughter would been supported by her dad’s acknowledgement of her personal loss, and the father could have recognized his daughter’s unmet needs and been much more capable of doing something positive to help her deal with them in a positive way.
Thankfully, my friend was able to step back and take a look at the experience. He gained an increased awareness of his role in the preceding night’s fiasco, which served as an impetus for change and healing. There are a number of common themes that can be looked at in this experience—themes that you will probably recognize from experiences that you have had with difficult conversations or relationships in your own life.
First, we often fail to recognize that we are engaged in fake talk until damage has already been done, and we are forced to look at the debris remaining in the wake of our poor choice of behavior.
Second, even thinking, right-minded people tend to engage in a number of dysfunctional tactics to get what we want—tactics that we are unwilling to examine, either because we assume that we are right or justified, or because we honestly believe that if we continue to engage in a particular behavior, it will eventually work—even when all the evidence points to the contrary.
Third, many people simply do not realize that there are a number of behaviors and skills that will help us to get what we want. When they are used and combined effectively, these are the skills of REAL Conversation because when they are used purposefully, they really do help people get what they really want: respect, relationships, and results.
What Should Dad Have Done Instead?
Recognize and Suspend his thinking or judgment or his need to be right. The minute you recognize that what you are getting is not what you want, it is imperative that you stop and examine the thinking that is driving your behavior. Chances are that there is some vital flaw or gap in your thinking, or that you are basing your emotions and reactionary behavior on an assumption that really has no base in verifiable reality.
Express his thoughts and opinions in a way that communicates respect for his daughter and how important their relationship and her happiness are to him.
Ask Questions that create space for his daughter to open up and reveal what is going on. The more you ask questions and listen to the answers, the more you will learn. The more you learn, the more you will know how to proceed with the conversation to accomplish what you really want. Different situations require different types of questions, and in this case Dad should have asked more discovery, open-ended type questions.
Listen and Attend to what his daughter was saying… and to what she was not saying. Sometimes what is not said can be more revealing than what is said. Remember, a person can be expressing themselves with more than just their words. Attend to a person’s body language, gestures, tone, tempo, and other non-verbal communications to get a fuller picture of what is really going on.
